Quals and Cups, or Something

To say that life is full of suprises, with any reference to my personal experience, is an understatement. I have never really been either a glass half-empty or half-full kind of girl because well... I would describe my life as being representative of one of those children's sippy cups. The kind that are built to be pounded on surfaces, knocked on the floor, and rolled over by strollers. It doesn't really matter what is in my cup or how much is in there as long as it doesn't stain the carpet. After all of the insanity that I have experienced over the last few years, I have come to terms with this fact. I generally try to prepare in any way that is possible for the impossible things that will happen to me. I know I have been M.I.A from the blogging world for awhile, so let me, dear friends, bring you up to speed on my latest adventures.

Right about the time I finished coursework, I found out that my dissertation adviser is leaving my school. As a result, I agreed to sit for my qualifying exams early. I had 4 months to read everything I could in three different specialties. Somehow, I really have no idea how, I managed to get through my lists and before I knew it, it was exam day. To preface the upcoming story, I will explain the format of my exams. Day One: 24 hour major exam, Day Two: 8 hour minor exam, Day Three: 8 hour minor exam. All tests were taken at home, and were administered by e-mail.

Day 1: Nervously crawled out of bed around 8:30 and sat and agonized until 9 am when my test was scheduled to begin. 9:10 no exam, 9:20 no exam, 9:30 exam... somewhere around 9:35 flood of tears and panicked hysterics. After calling three people in the office, I learned that the office had forgot about my exams and that they had to call in the administrator. Around 10 am, I had my exam. 10 am the next morning I was done. Delirious and ecstatic to be done with one exam, I took the rest of the night off. Later that evening, a friend brought me dinner to my apartment. We hear a knock on the door. Confused I ran to the door and cautiously opened it. Lo and behold. A sheriff. Wonderful. She asked me if I could identify my neighbor. I couldn't so she thanked me and left. Obsessing on the couch while imagining situations in which I was suspected of covering for said mystery neighbor, I text my roommate and she provides me with an ID of him. About 90 minutes later, my friend leaves to go home. I few seconds later, my friend and sheriff arrive at my door, asking for my roommate's description of the neighbor. Why was she still there you ask? She explained that she could not leave until the homicide unit arrived. Apparently, the neighbor directly across from my apartment was a murder suspect. Excellent. I was not provided with much information until my friend got home and saw the story all over the news. Home alone already crazy before hearing this news, I tried to sleep... no such luck.

Day Two: Missing Exam. Again. Received it late. Frantically wrote while trying not to run to the door every 5 minutes to watch the homicide unit search mystery neighbor's apartment.

Day Three: Hooray.. no problems... or so I thought.

A few days later I got a call informing me that my last exam had not been graded because it was not sent to the graders yet. Apparently, the person in the office had fallen and sprained her ankle and did not send my last exam. One day later I get an e-mail from my adviser that all exams were graded and that my defense would take place the next day. Next day?? Sigh. Fine.. why not.. I thought...

The defense was long and terrifying but it went well and I survived. Two missing exams, and one homicide case later, I was officially ABD.

Love

March 11, 2010

I want you. You, whoever you are. I want you to love me. Me, whoever I am. Whatever I do, love me. Just love. I will always love you. We will give each other everything and nothing, and we won't be each other's everything. Well, maybe- for a few stolen seconds.

Sometimes I miss the moonlight and the way it bounced off of our smiling faces. I miss the sound of the wind and the waves crashing on the shore. I miss the gloomy days, clear cold nights, and sublime sunrises. I miss how the water painted my emotions in a beauty greater than my words could create.

I want you to be there but only because you're a someone-but not mine. I know this. But keep me close anyway. I am here. Hold me- even if it is only for a moment. Take me in.

Dear Mr. Right

January 6, 2009

Dear Mr. Right,

I know you are out there somewhere. I know you are waiting for the magical moment to appear- maybe we will crash into each other coming and going into a coffee shop, maybe you will rescue me in some romantic way, or maybe I will do something completely idiotic and inadvertently win your heart. Ok, so we both know the last one is most likely, but I appreciate your plans nonetheless. I do like planners. What I am writing to tell you is that there is no perfect moment, I don’t need rain, running through airports, or our own personal soundtrack when we meet. I don’t need to be saved. I can take care of myself- but I really look forward to the day when you join me and teach me how to accept help. I look forward to having someone to lean on instead of being perpetually shattered by bearing other’s burdens. I look forward to having a companion and a teacher. I know you will give great advice, and I know you will be great. I know that everything won’t be perfect all the time, and I don’t expect it to be. I know that things will be complicated and difficult because well… I am complicated and difficult. I have many faults and I am very stubborn. I am extremely passive aggressive; I always think that I am right; I am irritated by disorganization and completely hopeless when it comes to electronics, directions, mental math, and which plug you plug the lamp into so that when you flip the light switch the lights turn on. I know I ask for a lot, but I give everything I have. So if you are ready for all of that or certifiably crazy…If you think you can handle those things…could you just appear? Could you just find me? That would be great, because the waiting is the hardest part. The waiting can be torture.

Sincerely Yours,

Future Mrs. Right

P.S. I am intensely stupid about all of this…so I am going to need a lot of help.

Last Night of the First Year

Tonight is my last night as a first year graduate student. When (as I am speaking optimistically here) I finish my paper- I will be done! As Jan might yell "Victory!" Tonight was also my last night of work until I get back from PA. I am so excited to have three full weeks of sheer nothingness; it will be complete bliss. I will be able to sit down and relax and not have to have nearly every hour of my life planned out each day. 

This has been a great year at CGU. I have faced many difficulties and have somehow been able to survive them. I have made truly amazing friends. My memories of my first year of grad school will always be mingled with my friends. There have been many late night text messages, Denny's study parties, library camp outs, crying phone calls and occasionally an injured biker. All to say, this year has been so much fun and I couldn't have done it without you guys! See everyone when I get back!

Sleeping On a Pencil

I decided to take a break from paper writing and psyching myself out with Dracula readings to write my priceless musings of the day. I woke up on a pencil today. I actually slept with it right in the middle of my back. This lead me to consider the various books, pencils, highlighters, etc. I have managed to fall asleep on without noticing. I consider this the true ultimate graduate student status, the mortification of the flesh level dedication if you will, to long nights of reading Sidney, Spenser and Stoker (that impromptu alliteration was oddly gratifying- but I digress). Working two jobs and taking a full time load has been a crash and burn class in ultimate time management, which as a side effect sometimes causes one to wake up with a writing utensil lodged in their spine. I am happy to report however, well two things, first for those wondering I never actually felt the pencil- I found it this morning then proceeded to laugh out loud at myself (judge if you will) and secondly that despite this odd encounter I have been remarkably productive this weekend. I am feeling compelled to list such small victories in response to my previous state of delirium, so please indulge me:  

1) Read 200 pages of Stoker's Dracula  

2) Read 50 of what seemed 500 pages of Sidney's Defense  

3) Read a questionable Spenser article with in addition to about two full pages of untranslated text, shameless plugs to the author's previous works- seriously?  

4) Went through about 10 sources and outlined paper  

5) Actually, so far, complete about five pages of my paper 

Though yesterday I had a Denny's excursion from 7:30 pm to 4:00 am and work up at 8:30 this morning to do all of these various tasks, I am still feeling oddly resilient and productive. Hopefully such luck continues...

Losing My Mind

Ok, so I think I am officially losing my mind which is unfortunate because I really need it for various school and work related reasons. To demonstrate my insanity I would like to offer the following things I actually have done in the past two days:
1) My manager returned a time off request form because not only did I put the dates in the wrong places- I asked for 4/45 off. The forty-fifth of April for those of you who didn't know is apparently a good day for rest. She looked at me frustrated and said, "I don't really know what this means can you please fix it." I had to explain to my manager that I am an idiot and that I really meant to write 5/3 which we all know looks exactly like 4/45. Moving on.
2) Forgot my super easy locker combination at work, twice. My manager walked by laughing at me as I am hunched over my lock spinning it desperately trying to get my keys so that I could go to the car and get my watch which I left in my backpack- which nicely segue into number three.
3) Apparently popped my trunk before I went into work and left it wide open. When I went to the car (God had my back on this one- he rocks) to get my watch I saw to my dismay the trunk of my car about six inches open exposing my backpack and a small library of books.
4) Car issue: Idiot edition. Christian and I went to Chilis for dinner and when we got back in the car I took off the emergency break, put the car in reverse and the car was moving forward. How can a car do this, you might ask? I was screaming and freaking out because it was inching up the car parked across from it. So I put in back in park and try again, same thing. Weird. Right? So I get mad and tell Christian that he needs to drive my crazy car. So I sit down and buckle up and he gets in and... are you ready for the answer to this mystery?... maybe you are smarter than me and already guessed it... He TURNS THE ENGINE ON. Ok, so I turned the car on but did not start it and when i took the break off it was rolling forward because I was on an incline. Seriously??? What is wrong with me? As Lori Anne once tempted, any one with the answer to that question wins a FABulous prize.
5) There really isn't another precise situation- thank God, but my linguistic capabilities have also begun to fail me, as I charge many of the female characters in my 18th century literary papers. I have successfully mangled every date, time, day I work on, where I am supposed to be at what time, etc. - edit- as I spell checked this document, it lit up with awesome treasures such as "packback." Case in point.

Bottom line: I need sleep. Fine print under bottom line: I also need to write 50 pages in two weeks and finish my coursework reading.

I am reading Dracula and I find myself wishing that I could bite some random people and perhaps gain some restorative power, that would be nice.

Vacation from Life

There is something so weird about taking a vacation from your life unexpectedly. There is an all bets are off, fly by the seat of your pants, throw caution to the wind, and 400 other cliches to describe my current situation. It is as if the world is going on without me and I am in some happy place, absent yet exempt from responsibility. Not that I at all endorse undergoing oral surgery to obtain a few minutes to one's self, it is nonetheless a great surprise. I have a schedule on my refrigerator and there is something so satisfying in not being in any of those places. It's funny because this break is something that I would not have done on my own, it was exactly what I needed to force myself to take a break from it all. My boyfriend and I were joking that I am the sort of person that would limp my way out the door to work or class if it were up to me. This inconvenience has been a break most needed and appreciated despite the over achiever in me screaming "think of everything you are missing" and "you are missing wayyy too much work, young lady"- yes, I do have a patronizing inner voice. Patronizing yet essential to my everyday existence in this crazy, over worked, over scheduled, underpaid situation I like to call my existence as a graduate student. 

P.S. As I was grabbing my computer to type up this bit of brilliant insight into life, I tripped on the wooden foot of my sofa and all of my toes went numb. Even though it hurt so bad, and I was really irritated, all I could do is hold my laptop for dear life and hop around the room laughing. Maybe another purpose of injuries is to remind myself that it is all not that serious.